Initial Mom Feels

Being a “mom.” I put that in quotes because my idea of being a mom is not something I have yet identified with. I just had a baby not too long ago-a boy-so I have a son and that makes me a mother. I get that. But when people ask me

What is it like being a mom? How do you feel about being a mom?

It’s really hard for me to respond because I don’t feel like a mom. And not FEELING like a mom yet has made me sort of feel like a bad mom. Why don’t I feel like a mom?

Then it finally hit me. I think that I don’t yet feel like a mom because of what I often see portrayed as being a mother or “#momlife.” I do not quite identify with the stigma. I see posts of moms complaining or talking about how they can’t get away, need free-time, wish they had more help, etc. and I’m just not ready to conform to highlighting those instances. They are real and raw and happen and I’d never take that away from anyone! I know it’s so important to have a tribe and build each other up. To know that we aren’t alone, and that life can be HARD. I know that those things happen and are going to continue happen. (Some people reading this are probably thinking “oh you just wait,” and you might be right).

I am just trying to navigate this new role and I don’t know that I want to get attention for my stresses, my anxieties or my woes behind being a mom. I even caught myself conforming to those sort of posts at times. Complaining about me time or rather the lack-there-of. I get it’s nice to know we are not alone in these instances. And I know that more of that will come- I’m not perfect.

But I do feel like I had a pretty good idea as to what life was going to entail when I had a child? (I say that lightly). Grocery trips, errands, or getting out of the house in the first place, are going to take longer. A lot longer. All the while my clothing is going to become stained with kiddo-whatever, the laundry is going to pile up faster and I’m going to have less time for myself. I KNOW. I get that. None of that was ever a surprise, and I don’t want to sit here and just complain about that stuff again and again (I at least want to try, with every ounce of my being, not to).

I love my son more than I could ever imagine humanly possible. He’s only six months old and he’s so awesome! His little bright personality is already shining through and he is so vibrant. I love hanging out with him. I choose him over anyone everyday. There are so many great things about being a mom. AND... there are also many great things about being yourself.

This does not go without saying that mommas are super heroes doing so much at once and tackling #momlife in leaps and bounds. I can feel the heat from some readers paining through the atmosphere as we speak. How dare she downplay what mothers do. This is a tough job, and I’m allowed to complain!And I couldn’t agree more. It is tough. It’s the hardest job I’ll ever have. But I’m not just a mom...and neither are you.

I’ll never forget...two months after having my son in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, me and three of my girlfriends took a weekend trip to a lake house. It was the first time in over a year where I let myself do something for just myself. It was the first time out of the house after having to barricade ourselves and shut off the world. And I’ll never forget hearing the chatter through the grapevine: “How could she leave her son already? Who does that? She just had him.”

Yes, my son was a ripe 2 months old when I left for the weekend. I left him with his father and his grandparents. How terrible! Except it’s not. It’s not terrible to let yourself still be you, mama. It’s not terrible to enjoy the company of good friends and not have to think about anything else except for what cocktail you’re having next. It’s not terrible to love your son so much, that you realize you have to make sure you also continue on loving yourself. Because you are more than just a mom. You are a whole other you that doesn’t need to get thrown to the wayside because of societal expectations and begrudging judgements, that they are able to SO quickly graffiti all over your life. No, they don’t get to do that my friend.

This may rub some people the wrong way, and I applaud your ability to stay true to yourself and disagree. But for those of you that this resonates with, cheers! Be unapologetically you, mama. Whatever that may look like.